Thoughts from a guy.

I find it enjoyable that a word can make something sound much tastier than normal.  Take Crispy Chicken Deluxe from Wendy's for example.  Doesn't that just sound more mouthwatering compared to a Chicken Sandwich?  It is just a chicken sandwich after all.  Only you're getting the Crispy and Deluxe added on.  I wonder if the same principle can be used to add a subliminal message to a member of the opposite sex?  If I could manage to figure that wording configuration out I would have more luck with the dating world.

Speaking of dating, it's nonexistent for me unfortunately.  I don't know if I've just given up on thinking I will actually find someone compatible to me or if I'm just frustrated with all the loser girls in this world.  I know what I want and I'm not making any exceptions again.  I sit at home and play video games 90% of my free time.  It's what I do.  It's what I enjoy.  So I need to find someone that likes to do that also.  Only our chances of meeting each other is in that 10% we both aren't sitting at home playing games.  I'm sure Jason could come up with some kind of formula to calculate the odds of the two of us meeting.  My guess is it's around 5%.  But then there's the barrier I have with my shyness.  Which actually does get on my nerves.  I don't like being shy.  I honestly don't know if it's me being shy or if it's something else.  When I'm around most people I just don't have anything to say at all.  I try to come up with something to say but nothing comes to mind.  And the more I concentrate on trying to find something to talk about the more nervous I get which in return keeps me quiet.  Some people I am very comfortable with and I can just be myself around.  I don't consciously pick those people to be myself around.  If I could pick, it would be everyone.  So I don't know what the deal is with that.

I'm also afraid that I'm incapable of loving again.  I've destroyed my own heart in a preemptive strike against being hurt again.  First the girl I thought I loved breaks my heart.  Then I make the decision to give up the greatest love a person can experience in hopes it is for the best.  I cried when my relationship ended way back in the day after high school.  I never shed a tear until I realized I wasn't going to be in my daughters life anymore.  I wept when I honestly thought it wasn't possible for me to.  Now, however, I believe nothing will get me to cry emotionally again.  The closest thing I can imagine is losing an immediate family member.  Even then it would depend on how they died. 

I also have something I've been wanting to get off my chest for a long time now.  I've been in love with Crystal since the day we first met.  I can't even remember how many years ago that was but I still remember that day as clear as if it were happening right now.  I think she may have felt the same about me too but it doesn't matter now.  Our paths have been intertwined together at all the wrong times.  Either I was dating someone and she was single.  Then I was single and she was dating someone.  Then she has a baby.  Then I get married.  Then she gets married.  Then I have a baby.  So it just never worked out for us.  Then just the other day she brings me to my senses.  How can I love her?  I don't even know her.  Maybe I was just in love with the thought of her.  Afterall, she is the closest I've met to the perfect woman.  At least I think so. 

But anyway, my mind has gone blank now.  I think I'll just go back to the couch, controller in hand.